Most people go through the separation phase and everyone has to go through the mediation phase at some point. When both of those fail, it is unfortunately time to hire an attorney. Can't you just go together? Yes, you could. However, if you do, you are mutually agreeing to the divorce. In most cases, that's not an indication that you are actively seeking Christ.
When I went through my divorce (and it was absolutely my actions that lit the fuse), I offered my former spouse three opportunities to stop the process and give individual counseling followed by marital counseling a chance. Every time that offer was rejected with increased ferocity. My ex-wife chose to walk away. I heard a story on the Christian Broadcasting Network just today of a couple who's story was so closely linked to mine that it was scary. They made the choice to give the counseling a chance and it worked out for them.
I give you this introduction to remind you of a couple of things. First, if you are truly seeking Christ, you are going to give your spouse the opportunity to hit "pause" on the divorce at least one more time and seek counseling. Second, if you are in Christ, the divorce process is not going to look anything like what the world expects it to. So, if you're in Christ, be prepared to make some real sacrifices.
You've been seeing spiritual and professional counselors and you should have been completely open with them if healing in your faith and your life was a real goal to you. You need to tell that the divorce process has is starting and that you need a recommendation for an attorney... a Christian Family Law (AKA Divorce) attorney. Yes, they really do exist!
I was fortunate to have the services of a Christian divorce attorney. While professional ethics prevented him from bringing up faith, I did not hide mine and soon, we were tackling the issues from a perspective unlike any other.
You have options when it comes to the attorney that you select. No matter who that is, you can plan on at least $10,000 in fees, and more likely heading towards $20,000 in tougher cases. You can choose aggressive attorneys that will fight for every minor detail through the process... and you'll pay more hours for that kind of work. You can hire a typical attorney that will be in the mid range of cost and fight for the major issues. Or you can seek out a Christian attorney who will look at the process through a lens of grace and a much more important factor: humanism.
During my divorce process, my former spouse's attorney (and my former spouse for that matter) refused to acknowledge that I was a person. To them, I was a criminal and an adversary in a cruel game with life altering consequences... and they didn't play fair.
My attorney, on the other hand, refused to let the human aspect go. To both him and me, my former spouse was an individual pursued and loved by God. By keeping that in the forefront, we could fight for the things that were really important and deal with her with as much grace and respect as she would allow us to. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes it flat out sucked. However, as much as my spiritual and professional counselors helped me keep Christ at the focal point of all of this, my legal counselor did as well. It was vital to my continued healing and renewal in Christ.
In the next segment, we'll take a look at what we're actually going to fight for, and what it's time to let go of.
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