First, you need to talk to your spouse about a period of separation. This time should be used for two things: getting professional help from a Christian counselor and getting help from a spiritual counselor. This is a cool off period in which no attorneys are involved and you are both still financially responsible for the household
You should be getting help for the emotional issues that are there from someone trained in psychology who also has a Christian perspective. A non-Christian is not going to help you with our goal in mind. Don't be afraid to change counselors. There are some out there that despite the best of intentions, simply aren't very good. Ask around and don't be afraid that other people know you're seeking help.
Things to look for in a professional counselor:
- Professional - your counselor needs to have a counseling practice with the degree(s) to back it up. This is not a job for one of your church leaders. They have a different role.
- Christ-Centered Approach - your counselor should be pointing you at Christ before anything else. The issues you are dealing with are the result of sin... your sin. Before you can begin to look at the relationship with your spouse, you have to look at the relationship with Christ.
- References - your counselor should come recommended by people you trust and has a proven record of Christ-centered counseling.
You also need spiritual guidance. Your professional counselor should be walking with you on an approach that starts with Christ before leading you down the journey of your marriage, but his/her goal will be different than your spiritual counselor's. Your spiritual counselor's job is to take the focus on Christ that you have (re)discovered and foster the restoration and deepening of your relationship with Christ. This person is going to work as a compliment to your professional counselor during this time of separation, but it is not their role to focus on your marriage.
Things to look for in a spiritual counselor:
- Trained - this person needs to have a deep knowledge of scripture and an obvious real relationship with Christ. Many churches have people trained to serve as a spiritual counselor.
- Christ-Centered Focus - again, the focus at this stage is on your relationship with Christ.
- Trustworthy - like it or not, you are in a vulnerable position and you need to be able to trust your spiritual counselor with anything and everything that is there.
- Understanding of the Role - you may need to communicate clearly that your only goal with this person is on your relationship with Christ. Often, the church will try to take on the role of marriage restoration, but that is what you are using your Christian professional counselor for. Your spiritual counselor may attend your professional counseling sessions if you choose, help guide you to the right counselor, and help hold you accountable to meeting with that person, but it is not their job to directly save your marriage.
There is a reason you are in this position. Whether it's an emotional affair, physical affair, addiction, obsession, or something else, it cannot go on while you are in this period of separation. You cannot feed your sin while trying to kill it. You might as well be supplying your enemy with food and ammo. Stay with someone that you know will hold you accountable to where you are and what you are doing. Make sure that you are meeting with both counselors at least once a week. Nothing else is more important right now. Take a leave of absence from work if you need to. Even if you can't, everything else comes off of the schedule with the exception of church, your children, and meeting with trusted friends that know what you're going through.
It is not okay to hang out with people that are convincing you to get a divorce or telling you what a horrible spouse you have!!! I'm not saying that every relationship will be or should be saved, but your focus needs to be on Christ right now. These people will take you focus off of Him.
Start writing a journal. This will help you decompress the events of each session and reflect on what you have learned. If you are committed to seeing the process through, you'll also have documented the little and big ways that Christ has shown up along the way and it makes an awesome testimony for His love and faithfulness.
