Help! I'm Getting a Divorce and I Don't Know What to Do! Step 3: Selecting an Attorney

Most people go through the separation phase and everyone has to go through the mediation phase at some point. When both of those fail, it is unfortunately time to hire an attorney. Can't you just go together? Yes, you could. However, if you do, you are mutually agreeing to the divorce. In most cases, that's not an indication that you are actively seeking Christ.

When I went through my divorce (and it was absolutely my actions that lit the fuse), I offered my former spouse three opportunities to stop the process and give individual counseling followed by marital counseling a chance. Every time that offer was rejected with increased ferocity. My ex-wife chose to walk away. I heard a story on the Christian Broadcasting Network just today of a couple who's story was so closely linked to mine that it was scary. They made the choice to give the counseling a chance and it worked out for them.

I give you this introduction to remind you of a couple of things. First, if you are truly seeking Christ, you are going to give your spouse the opportunity to hit "pause" on the divorce at least one more time and seek counseling. Second, if you are in Christ, the divorce process is not going to look anything like what the world expects it to. So, if you're in Christ, be prepared to make some real sacrifices.

You've been seeing spiritual and professional counselors and you should have been completely open with them if healing in your faith and your life was a real goal to you. You need to tell that the divorce process has is starting and that you need a recommendation for an attorney... a Christian Family Law (AKA Divorce) attorney. Yes, they really do exist!

I was fortunate to have the services of a Christian divorce attorney. While professional ethics prevented him from bringing up faith, I did not hide mine and soon, we were tackling the issues from a perspective unlike any other.

You have options when it comes to the attorney that you select. No matter who that is, you can plan on at least $10,000 in fees, and more likely heading towards $20,000 in tougher cases. You can choose aggressive attorneys that will fight for every minor detail through the process... and you'll pay more hours for that kind of work. You can hire a typical attorney that will be in the mid range of cost and fight for the major issues. Or you can seek out a Christian attorney who will look at the process through a lens of grace and a much more important factor: humanism.

During my divorce process, my former spouse's attorney (and my former spouse for that matter) refused to acknowledge that I was a person. To them, I was a criminal and an adversary in a cruel game with life altering consequences... and they didn't play fair.

My attorney, on the other hand, refused to let the human aspect go. To both him and me, my former spouse was an individual pursued and loved by God. By keeping that in the forefront, we could fight for the things that were really important and deal with her with as much grace and respect as she would allow us to. It wasn't always easy. Sometimes it flat out sucked. However, as much as my spiritual and professional counselors helped me keep Christ at the focal point of all of this, my legal counselor did as well. It was vital to my continued healing and renewal in Christ.

In the next segment, we'll take a look at what we're actually going to fight for, and what it's time to let go of.

Help! I'm Getting a Divorce and I Don't Know What to Do! Step 2: Mediation

Separation was most likely the last chance for your marriage. It was a time for you to focus on your relationship with Christ with your Spiritual Counselor and a time for you to get to the root of your issues with your Professional Counselor. If both you and your spouse are still making strides in those areas, do not stop! This is a process than can take more than a year to fully work out.

Sometimes, one or both of you reach a place that you decide you are no longer going to focus on Christ or that you are no longer going to work towards finding the issues that you bring to the relationship and improve them. What follows is the rest of the process of divorce, and it is for the person who is willing to fix his eyes on Christ. It is not the world's way of getting a divorce. If you are angry and bitter, and not willing to consider Christ, this is not a process that you will find satisfaction in.

If you and your spouse are at least able to have rational conversations and can act with respect and grace towards each other, then your next step is mediation. Mediation is a process in which the two of you will come together with a person that is trained as a legal mediator specifically for this purpose. He or she will help you navigate what has to be done legally and to sort through the conditions of your divorce.

It's important to note that this part of the process can be $1000 or more, but it is only a drop in the bucket compared to what it will cost the two of you to hire attorneys to fight it out. While that cost is typically split, if you are in better financial position than your spouse, offer to pay the fee outright. It's also important to know that the healthiest co-parenting and post marriage relationships tend to start with people that were willing to sort things out through mediation.

The mediator is going to help you sort through every bit of the divorce process and doesn't act as an advocate for either one of you. He or she is a neutral third party that knows what the law says and helps foster negotiation as there will likely be some give and take required. Laws vary from state to state, but in most cases, mediation will be a required part of the divorce process. Divorce is so prevalent that most states require it for no other reason than to try and keep some cases from clogging up the court system.

Here are some of the things that the mediator will help you sort out:

• Co-parenting plan: a detailed plan that determines how often the child(ren) are with each parent.
• Child support: if one parent has more custody than the other or one of you makes significantly more than the other, child support will be determined. 
• Medical/Educational decisions: If one of you will be responsible for making decisions for medical and education choices for the child(ren) or if both of you retain that role.
• Division of cash, liquid assets, and investments: This will typically be split 50/50 unless it is negotiated differently in consideration of material items. 
• Division of material items: All of your physical belongings will have to be valued and split between you. 
• Division of real estate: If one of you is staying in the home, you'll need to decide on a lot of things from debt to equity and financial responsibility. Otherwise, the home will be sold and any profit/debt will be split. 

The good thing about mediation is that literally every part of it is negotiable. It can still be a process that takes months to complete, but it is much better for both of you than a full out legal fight. The resulting document that will be produced is called a Marriage Settlement Agreement (MSA). This will be submitted to a judge for approval and is fully and legally binding. As things change over time, you can always revisit it with your former spouse to make changes mutually, or ask a judge to make changes if your ex is unwilling. You will need to have very good cause for that though. 

The goal for you, as a Christian seeking to restore a right relationship with Christ, has many facets. First, you must understand that your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your children is of much great significance than all of the stuff in your life. The only thing that I would encourage you not to waiver on is the time and your rights when it comes to your children. If 50/50 custody is possible, take it. If your ex is honestly a danger to their well being, fight to be the custodial parent but be prepared to make a well documented case for your position. If you need help with an addiction or sin, you need to seek it out. 

Also, realize that the other stuff is just stuff and it can be replaced. At the end of this, you want to be able in good faith to say that you sought Christ in the midst of this storm. Part of that means you need to understand that material goods are no longer your idols. 

Finally, the end of separation and beginning of mediation is not an excuse to stop seeing either of your counselors. You will continue seeing both throughout the course of the divorce process, and you will desperately need both as you go. The process only gets worse after separation. You'll need your Spiritual Counselor to help you keep your eyes on Christ and help you pursue Him. You'll need your professional counselor to help you work through the very strong emotions and consider the consequences of what lies ahead as you go. 

One last note: If you still haven't dropped everything else, you need to. Pursuing your relationship with Christ and going through this process is the only thing that you should be concerned about outside of work. You shouldn't be going out to the bar with the guys or playing golf. You shouldn't be out hitting the mall for stress relief via credit card. We're not sipping on wine and reading romance novels. You surround yourself with believers in social situations and you spend your extra time journaling, praying, or studying. You are extremely vulnerable to the lies of Satan right now, and you need to protect yourself from him.