Reasons to Leave the Church or Not Leave the Church

I read a blog post this week that offered bad reasons (excuses really) to leave your church. It was followed up with good reasons to leave your church. The bad reasons (music, hurt feelings, and something newer/better) were contrasted to the good reasons (abusive leadership, unbiblical practices, and differing convictions).

The opening line read something along the lines of, "Stop treating the church like your high school girlfriend and start treating it like the bride of Christ."

Oh boy... here we go. Convicting or accusing? Truth or religion?  Worth considering or toss it aside?

First of all, this is only my opinion and response based on my perspective. Yours will likely be different since your experience is different. The important thing is to take the time to really think about what this means for you and your family so that you can decide for yourself how to view this important issue.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say, "Thou shalt join thy local body (or the body of thy parents in thine hometown) where thou shalt remain until the Lord calleth thee to a town at least an hour's drive by horseless carriage from the body to which thou belongest."

Let's lay this out sermon style with 3 main points (but trust me, I can come up with several more).

1. The Church is the Bride of Christ

Ephesians 5:21 - 33 describes much of the correlation between husbands & wives and Christ & his Church. Those of us that belong to Christ are His Bride, and collectively we the Church are His Bride. So the author may have a valid point by saying that you shouldn't leave a body of believers like you would a high school girlfriend since you are effectively treating His Church (His Bride) that way.

Where that argument breaks down for me is in how the author defines the Bride. The Church isn't just your church. It's the collective body of believers in Christ that He has set apart as His Bride. That means there are people that attend your church that wouldn't be considered to be part of the Church. I'm sure you can think of someone that attends, but is only playing Christian or is there because of expectations.

The argument is that by leaving the church for something other than the defined "good reasons," you're rejecting the Bride of Christ.

My counter argument is that if you're leaving one church to attend or join another, you aren't leaving the Church (collective body and Bride of Christ), you're choosing to worship with another body within the larger body that is still very much His, as you are still very much His.

2. The Marriage Commitment

Have you found your soul mate?

If you answered yes, you're sadly mistaken. The concept of the soul mate, the one and only other person that could complete me, is a Greek idea that is completely false. There's no such thing. The reality is that there are plenty of people of the opposite sex that would make a good spouse for you. It takes work and it takes the decision to love them. Sure, by the grace of God, you could choose to love anyone. But there are people out there that are more in line with you than others and are therefore easier to love and make life more enjoyable.

Our author intimates that we should love our church body for better or for worse. But there's a problem with his argument here as well. It would make no sense whatsoever for you to marry the first person you ever went on a date with. It takes time (and at least a little heartache) to know the kind of person that you would want to choose as your spouse.

It's the same with the church. It would be foolish to say that the first church you ever walk into is the perfect church for you for life and that there will never be another. You need to know what kind of worship style you can engage in. You need to know what your spiritual needs are and that they can be met. You need to know how you can serve the Church and that there is an opportunity for you to do that with the gifts you have been given. You need to make mistakes in order to learn what is right for you and to know what it means to feel Christ calling you a certain direction.

Sometimes, you've been on one date when you know that it isn't right. Sometimes it takes months or years to figure it out. Sometimes, the engagement is broken off when the wedding has been planned. Just because you've been attending a church for a couple of years or you grew up there doesn't mean that you are committed for life. You should still be free to explore other churches where you can grow closer in your walk with Christ.

3. Seasons of Life

There are 5 vows that you take when you join a PCA (Presbyterian Church in America) body. "Till death do us part" is not uttered in any of them. People understand that sometimes life takes you away from your chosen church. It's not a divorce; it's a relocation. So why does it feel so controversial when life changes inspire you to change church bodies across town as opposed to cross state or cross country?

Look, you're (hopefully) constantly growing in Christ. You're constantly growing in your ability to use your gifts for Him. Even your worship becomes more mature. The point is, your needs are constantly changing.

I've had the pleasure of having my children with me this week for their Spring break. Because of the Parenting Plan in place, we stay with my parents when the kids are with me. I've tried really hard this week to be a good Dad, a good Son, a good Fiance', and a good employee... and I haven't done so well.

Ever try to be everything for everyone? It doesn't work out very well most of the time. Your church is no different. It can't be everything that everyone needs all the time. To avoid stagnating and backsliding, you will need to find a way to continue your growth. Sometimes that means that your church can't meet your needs during that season and it's time to move on.

Conclusions

Changing churches isn't a rejection of the Church. It doesn't have to be a rejection of your church. It should be an extension of your passionate pursuit of Christ. Whether it's your need for personal growth, better utilizing your spiritual gifts for Christ's gain, or even to be more in tune with your worship of Christ, there will be changes in venue from time to time.

Yes, the Church is made of sinners just like you and me. No, none of them will ever do everything perfectly. No, you don't have to pretend to be perfect. Sometimes, there's something you can't get past on prayer and will alone and the only way to get back in tune with your Savior is to leave that body for a season or permanently. You're not saying that what they are doing is bad. You're not saying that they aren't doing a great job for the other people there (because most likely, they are). You're just saying that you as one person or as a family need something different than they offer and are perhaps offering something different than they need.

Having said all of that, when you do make the choice to join a church body, it should not be taken lightly. You should be asking a lot of questions and really getting to know the leadership and the body. Although membership isn't on the same commitment level as marriage, it is a serious commitment. Even when you're plugged in and things are going great, I would still encourage you to take your time and really get to know the body you wish to belong to.

Once you've made that commitment, you should do what you can to work through issues that come up. Don't assume, though, that you grow and mature at the same rate as your church does. There is an effort required to maintain any kind of relationship, including with the church. If you get to a point where the church is unwilling or unable to help you grow, help you make use of your spiritual gifts (not just plug you into something and call it service), or you are unable to engage in worship, then you should consider that it may be time to move on. We are not all called to walk the same path and the responsibility of walking the path set before us is ours, not our church's.

Something You (& the Church) Need to Know About Blended Families

There is a question that we are asked more and more frequently as we get closer to our wedding that, frankly, has gone beyond the point of being just a mild irritation.

When are you going to have kids of your own?

and the closely related...

How many kids are you going to have?

Typical church mentality. Be born, be baptized, join the church, get married, and make babies. The cycle now is the supposed expectation of blended families as well. It's something that, to put it bluntly, the church in general needs to stop, and so do many of you. I'm going to explain more in just a moment, but before I do, let me clarify something briefly.

I am certain that there are churches out there that do a good job serving blended families, divorcees, and remarried couples. The church in general, however, really doesn't know what they're doing or how to deal with this kind of situation. You can't expect someone that's never lived in Europe to give you a reasonable idea of what it's like. They can tell you things they've read or stories others have told, but there are just too many things that are missed when you haven't actually experienced it. The same goes for blended families - people that haven't experienced it simply aren't qualified to deal with it.

Still taking issue with my stance? Look at Christ Himself. He experienced and overcame every temptation that could occur to man so that no one can say "Jesus, You don't know what I'm going through." He does because He has. Want to know what it's like to compete in a triathlon? I can help. Need to know what it's like to go through seminary? You'll need to look elsewhere. Book knowledge and training are no substitute for experience.

Okay, moving on.

There are several issues that I have with the expectation that just because we are starting a blended family means we are automatically having more kids. Look at the kids that we already have. Children are not houses. It's not an issue of I give up my house, she gives up her house, and we move into our house. You don't just push your kids aside so that you can make "our" kid(s). But that's exactly the way you come across when you ask us about it.

Also, there's real brokenness here. I'm the father of 8 year old twins that has been their Dad for 2 years. I spent 6 years not being the Dad they needed me to be and all of us are still figuring out how to maximize that relationship. I'm not putting that aside to hit the reset button and start over, hoping to get it right this time. Imagine that your Dad was present without being there. Suddenly, he comes out of the darkness and he's the Dad you always hoped he could be. Then, a new baby comes along and he's too tired and sleep deprived to be the Dad you became so excited about. That's simply not fair.

What about my fiancee' who doesn't bring children to the marriage? She's learning how to be the parent of 8 year old twins. That's a completely different learning curve and experience than having a newborn. That kind of parenting doesn't translate into having a newborn. This is so much more sacrificial than that. She's choosing to accept these children when she doesn't have to. She's choosing to forgo some of the joys that come from pregnancy forward to make sure that these children are loved and secure first.

Then there's the reality of being the non-custodial parents. With 2 weekends a month and shared holidays, my children are in and out. We try to be the best influence on them that we can, make sure that they know they're loved, and that they get to know Jesus while they're here. It's not a fair card to be dealt when you have full time children with you and then somehow try to maintain the energy and focus on the ones you have part time. Who loses out? The newborn? The children you already have? Your spouse? Folks, this is already a high risk marriage, and you're asking us about adding another layer of complication without thinking about the consequences.

These are only some of the issues I have when it comes to the children we already have. There are many other considerations that most people fail to think of.

So stop asking us when we're going to have a child of our own. We already have two! It's not an issue of "I'm marrying him, and he's got two kids that will be with him part of the time." It's "WE are getting married, and WE are blessed that WE already have two children that WE deeply love."

When we get married, my children will be part of the ceremony and officially become our children. In our own way, as a family of four, we'll be publicly committing ourselves as husband and wife, Mom and Dad, and Daughter and Son. We are children of the One True King and we love our Savior. We know where He's pursued us and what He's rescued us from. We know His tangible grace and mercy to us by what He's already done.

What I am asking you to do is stop trying to dilute how important and special that is by assuming that our marriage is somehow unfulfilled or that we are to be pitied by committing to love the children we already have in the best way we know how. And please, do not assume that your traditional family model simply translates over nicely to a blended family. There are issues here that I hope you will never have to experience. In spite of them, we are going to love our Father, each other, and our children in the best way that we know how. All we are asking is for you to believe that the work God is doing through our family may not look like what you expect it to.