There is a question that we are asked more and more frequently as we get closer to our wedding that, frankly, has gone beyond the point of being just a mild irritation.
When are you going to have kids of your own?
and the closely related...
How many kids are you going to have?
Typical church mentality. Be born, be baptized, join the church, get married, and make babies. The cycle now is the supposed expectation of blended families as well. It's something that, to put it bluntly, the church in general needs to stop, and so do many of you. I'm going to explain more in just a moment, but before I do, let me clarify something briefly.
I am certain that there are churches out there that do a good job serving blended families, divorcees, and remarried couples. The church in general, however, really doesn't know what they're doing or how to deal with this kind of situation. You can't expect someone that's never lived in Europe to give you a reasonable idea of what it's like. They can tell you things they've read or stories others have told, but there are just too many things that are missed when you haven't actually experienced it. The same goes for blended families - people that haven't experienced it simply aren't qualified to deal with it.
Still taking issue with my stance? Look at Christ Himself. He experienced and overcame every temptation that could occur to man so that no one can say "Jesus, You don't know what I'm going through." He does because He has. Want to know what it's like to compete in a triathlon? I can help. Need to know what it's like to go through seminary? You'll need to look elsewhere. Book knowledge and training are no substitute for experience.
Okay, moving on.
There are several issues that I have with the expectation that just because we are starting a blended family means we are automatically having more kids. Look at the kids that we already have. Children are not houses. It's not an issue of I give up my house, she gives up her house, and we move into our house. You don't just push your kids aside so that you can make "our" kid(s). But that's exactly the way you come across when you ask us about it.
Also, there's real brokenness here. I'm the father of 8 year old twins that has been their Dad for 2 years. I spent 6 years not being the Dad they needed me to be and all of us are still figuring out how to maximize that relationship. I'm not putting that aside to hit the reset button and start over, hoping to get it right this time. Imagine that your Dad was present without being there. Suddenly, he comes out of the darkness and he's the Dad you always hoped he could be. Then, a new baby comes along and he's too tired and sleep deprived to be the Dad you became so excited about. That's simply not fair.
What about my fiancee' who doesn't bring children to the marriage? She's learning how to be the parent of 8 year old twins. That's a completely different learning curve and experience than having a newborn. That kind of parenting doesn't translate into having a newborn. This is so much more sacrificial than that. She's choosing to accept these children when she doesn't have to. She's choosing to forgo some of the joys that come from pregnancy forward to make sure that these children are loved and secure first.
Then there's the reality of being the non-custodial parents. With 2 weekends a month and shared holidays, my children are in and out. We try to be the best influence on them that we can, make sure that they know they're loved, and that they get to know Jesus while they're here. It's not a fair card to be dealt when you have full time children with you and then somehow try to maintain the energy and focus on the ones you have part time. Who loses out? The newborn? The children you already have? Your spouse? Folks, this is already a high risk marriage, and you're asking us about adding another layer of complication without thinking about the consequences.
These are only some of the issues I have when it comes to the children we already have. There are many other considerations that most people fail to think of.
So stop asking us when we're going to have a child of our own. We already have two! It's not an issue of "I'm marrying him, and he's got two kids that will be with him part of the time." It's "WE are getting married, and WE are blessed that WE already have two children that WE deeply love."
When we get married, my children will be part of the ceremony and officially become our children. In our own way, as a family of four, we'll be publicly committing ourselves as husband and wife, Mom and Dad, and Daughter and Son. We are children of the One True King and we love our Savior. We know where He's pursued us and what He's rescued us from. We know His tangible grace and mercy to us by what He's already done.
What I am asking you to do is stop trying to dilute how important and special that is by assuming that our marriage is somehow unfulfilled or that we are to be pitied by committing to love the children we already have in the best way we know how. And please, do not assume that your traditional family model simply translates over nicely to a blended family. There are issues here that I hope you will never have to experience. In spite of them, we are going to love our Father, each other, and our children in the best way that we know how. All we are asking is for you to believe that the work God is doing through our family may not look like what you expect it to.
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