Sometimes, one or both of you reach a place that you decide you are no longer going to focus on Christ or that you are no longer going to work towards finding the issues that you bring to the relationship and improve them. What follows is the rest of the process of divorce, and it is for the person who is willing to fix his eyes on Christ. It is not the world's way of getting a divorce. If you are angry and bitter, and not willing to consider Christ, this is not a process that you will find satisfaction in.
If you and your spouse are at least able to have rational conversations and can act with respect and grace towards each other, then your next step is mediation. Mediation is a process in which the two of you will come together with a person that is trained as a legal mediator specifically for this purpose. He or she will help you navigate what has to be done legally and to sort through the conditions of your divorce.
It's important to note that this part of the process can be $1000 or more, but it is only a drop in the bucket compared to what it will cost the two of you to hire attorneys to fight it out. While that cost is typically split, if you are in better financial position than your spouse, offer to pay the fee outright. It's also important to know that the healthiest co-parenting and post marriage relationships tend to start with people that were willing to sort things out through mediation.
The mediator is going to help you sort through every bit of the divorce process and doesn't act as an advocate for either one of you. He or she is a neutral third party that knows what the law says and helps foster negotiation as there will likely be some give and take required. Laws vary from state to state, but in most cases, mediation will be a required part of the divorce process. Divorce is so prevalent that most states require it for no other reason than to try and keep some cases from clogging up the court system.
Here are some of the things that the mediator will help you sort out:
- Co-parenting plan: a detailed plan that determines how often the child(ren) are with each parent.
- Child support: if one parent has more custody than the other or one of you makes significantly more than the other, child support will be determined.
- Medical/Educational decisions: If one of you will be responsible for making decisions for medical and education choices for the child(ren) or if both of you retain that role.
- Division of cash, liquid assets, and investments: This will typically be split 50/50 unless it is negotiated differently in consideration of material items.
- Division of material items: All of your physical belongings will have to be valued and split between you.
- Division of real estate: If one of you is staying in the home, you'll need to decide on a lot of things from debt to equity and financial responsibility. Otherwise, the home will be sold and any profit/debt will be split.
The good thing about mediation is that literally every part of it is negotiable. It can still be a process that takes months to complete, but it is much better for both of you than a full out legal fight. The resulting document that will be produced is called a Marriage Settlement Agreement (MSA). This will be submitted to a judge for approval and is fully and legally binding. As things change over time, you can always revisit it with your former spouse to make changes mutually, or ask a judge to make changes if your ex is unwilling. You will need to have very good cause for that though.
The goal for you, as a Christian seeking to restore a right relationship with Christ, has many facets. First, you must understand that your relationship with Christ and your relationship with your children is of much great significance than all of the stuff in your life. The only thing that I would encourage you not to waiver on is the time and your rights when it comes to your children. If 50/50 custody is possible, take it. If your ex is honestly a danger to their well being, fight to be the custodial parent but be prepared to make a well documented case for your position. If you need help with an addiction or sin, you need to seek it out.
Also, realize that the other stuff is just stuff and it can be replaced. At the end of this, you want to be able in good faith to say that you sought Christ in the midst of this storm. Part of that means you need to understand that material goods are no longer your idols.
Finally, the end of separation and beginning of mediation is not an excuse to stop seeing either of your counselors. You will continue seeing both throughout the course of the divorce process, and you will desperately need both as you go. The process only gets worse after separation. You'll need your Spiritual Counselor to help you keep your eyes on Christ and help you pursue Him. You'll need your professional counselor to help you work through the very strong emotions and consider the consequences of what lies ahead as you go.
One last note: If you still haven't dropped everything else, you need to. Pursuing your relationship with Christ and going through this process is the only thing that you should be concerned about outside of work. You shouldn't be going out to the bar with the guys or playing golf. You shouldn't be out hitting the mall for stress relief via credit card. We're not sipping on wine and reading romance novels. You surround yourself with believers in social situations and you spend your extra time journaling, praying, or studying. You are extremely vulnerable to the lies of Satan right now, and you need to protect yourself from him.
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